Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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