Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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