Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
