i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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