so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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