some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
