that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
