stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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