I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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