planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
