Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
