Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
