I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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