i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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