Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
