Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
