i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
