I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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