I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
