My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Text me some of your sweat
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
