nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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