my phone needs a breathalizer
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
