Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
