So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
