I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
