if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
