Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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