I need help removing her.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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