I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The Olympian is in my bed
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
