hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
