Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
