I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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