I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
