A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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