Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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