so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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