Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
