Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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