I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
