oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
