Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
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