There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
