I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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