Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
