Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
