I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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