So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i came on her dog
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
