Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
