When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
