I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
