Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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