I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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