The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im six kinds of drunk right now
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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