Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
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Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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