i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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