There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
