so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
